I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
