I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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