Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
