I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im six kinds of drunk right now
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize