The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My balls are so social today.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
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If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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