omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
