I need to stop coming to work sober
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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