ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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