I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
