I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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