We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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