The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
