I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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