So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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