He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
