Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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