shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
