I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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