ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
