Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
