like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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