Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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