I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
