No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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