I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
