Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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