I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
