A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
