i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
