Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
