Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
