I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he was CRYING into my vagina
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.