I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy