I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him