He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
