I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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