You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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