Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
