I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
