Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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