well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
