Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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