Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
