Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There are leaves in my underwear?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
