I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
