I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
