Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
