I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
