It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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