and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Couch. On fire.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize