I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
not ubering you a puppy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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