How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We have started to decorate penises.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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