why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
