dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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