Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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