just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
