I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
