my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
