my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
