I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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