If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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